Love, love, love… all we need is love?

Back in 1996, in the heady surroundings of Lewisham Registry Office, I said my wedding vows to the man who was to become my husband, writes HOT’s Zelly Restorick.  A few years later, I was divorced – and aware that I’d broken the promise I’d made to stay together with him “’til death us do part”. 

I’ve been involved in a number of monogamous relationships during my time on the planet, although only one marriage. The search for love has been at the forefront of my mind since my early years, spent watching romantic films, listening to the music of togetherness and reading books with a ‘happy ever after’ ending.

My school motto was ‘Amor Vincit Omnia’, Love Conquers All – and the chosen section of the Bible read out at regularly at assemblies was the bit from Corinthians about ‘faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love’.  At the time, ‘love’ to me meant the love between two people and that it lasted forever.

One chap I went out with a few years ago told me there were four types of love : unconditional love, love between friends, love between family members and erotic love. A friend of his added a fifth : reciprocal love.

I guess ‘love’ means something different to all of us.  The words ‘I love you’ may be said with thought and consideration or declared in the heat of the moment.  They may be expressed with one meaning and intention – and heard by the listener from an entirely different angle.  We may say it and mean it and feel it – and then not say it again, as things have changed.  And of course, it doesn’t have to be said out loud… it is possibly easier to say than to do.

What does the word ‘love’ mean to you?

In terms of a ‘partner’ love relationship, I was becoming increasingly aware that maybe I didn’t know what it meant at all.  What was this thing I’d been searching and yearning for most of my life that was clearly eluding me?

It was with this in mind that on 17 January last year, I decided to make my intentions clear to at least one person in my life.  I bought a heart-shaped ring from a shop on Kings Road, made my way to the beach and there, sitting on the pebbles, under a blue sky and in the hot wintery sunshine, I uttered my words of love and commitment.

To myself.

Admittedly somewhat late in life, this seemed to me to be a good place to start.

In my internal mind-movie-making studio, I had imagined sending out invitations to everyone I knew about my forthcoming nuptials – and when people turned-up, there I’d be at the front, declaring my love to myself! In reality, I secretly eloped, telling no-one til it was done.

It seems to me that one thing I know I can be absolutely certain of in my life is that I will be there at my ending – and so I can therefore genuinely and sincerely say, with absolute certainty, ‘this is forever, til death us do part’.  And I said this to myself on the beach with a hearty smile, aware of my commitment phobic tendencies.

My theory to explore was : how was anyone going to really love me and how was I to really, truly love anyone else, if I wasn’t being very loving to myself?  I’m aware that a lot of the time, for example, the language I use to myself is pretty domineering, bullying, critical and judgemental – and, having spoken to other people over the years about this, I know I am by no means alone.  I know I don’t speak to anyone else on the planet like I speak to myself – to be honest, no-one would put up with it, but I don’t have a choice, I’m stuck with me, as you are with you.  Wherever we go, we cannot escape ourselves!

I have, for example, stood in front of mirrors throughout almost my entire life and told myself, neither kindly nor gently, what was wrong with my body and how it could be improved [or lately how it was now probably too late for improvement, looking at the crows feet on my face, now rapidly developing legs] – as opposed to what was right and how I’m just fine as I am.

This harsh criticism isn’t just about my physical body. The glaring spotlight of judgement can be rapidly turned onto any aspect of me, leaving me wilting and wanting a long lie-down under the duvet. Just who am I comparing myself to? And why am I not defending myself against myself, when I am someone who so regularly jumps up to defend everyone else?

What did I promise myself on my wedding day?  Well that’s a secret between the multiple parts of me!  However, I did acknowledge that I hadn’t always been my own best friend and that it was my sincere intention to improve this situation. Not only for me, but with the imaginings that the reverberations of this intention would echo beyond me, like the proverbial ripples in the universal pond of life.

I also added that if I wanted to add any other vows at any other time that was fine by me. It was, after all, an ongoing life-learning process. Not excluding all others. My hope is to always become more loving in my life… towards myself and everyone and everything else on the planet.  And in my heart, much as I encourage myself to stand alone and be self-sufficient, (connecting my attempts in the partnership sphere with brick walls and head-banging, so why don’t I just give it up and find myself a hobby?‚, I know part of me still wants to find my soul-mate.  My ideal match. I used to think there would just be one. ‘The One”. Now, acknowledging my relationship history, I suggest to myself that maybe there are different ‘Ones’ for different times in my life. And of course, at the moment, I am ‘The One” for me.

Tomorrow is my first anniversary. I’m going to renew my vows – and no doubt add some more – and I’ll have a chat with myself about how the past year has gone.  There may even be a small celebration!

Do we all need to learn to love ourselves a bit more? Treat ourselves a bit more respectfully and honourably? Is it a good place to start?  I’ll leave that with you to ponder on. In the meantime, wish me love and luck on my first anniversary tomorrow! 2getha 4eva!

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