Continuing connections with Fran

I would like to say a huge, sincere and hearty ‘THANK YOU’ to everyone who said my words about Fran McKeown were a fitting tribute to such a well-liked, respected and admired person, writes HOT’s Zelly Restorick.  It’s also been extremely heart-warming to read the other personal tributes that have been written about her and to get some insights into her life.

As I said last week, I found myself talking out loud to Fran after she died – and I’ve carried on doing this, quite naturally in the flow of my day,  completely aware that I’m talking to her more now than I did when she was alive. I imagine that part of her, although she’s moved on to another sphere, might come back to listen if someone speaks to her… and if it’s interesting, she might stay a while.

In this ‘other world’ of my imagination, the departed person is in such a format that this isn’t a problem for them and they can be in lots of different places at once, so then I don’t feel like I’m dragging them back to earth or taking up their valuable time, when they might have lots of exploring to do and new things to experience.

I guess I also imagine that the person might come back and see what people are saying about them… that they might be curious.

Anyway, Fran has continued to make me smile and laugh.  I was on the phone to someone the other day and, [I know it’s a rude], simultaneously doing something on the computer. I scrolled down my list of Favourites to look at HOT’s frontpage – and all of a sudden, there was Fran’s photo, which Erica had added to my article – and I silently grinned out loud.  Tears have prickled in my eyes even as I’m writing this, even though I’m smiling too, as I really felt that in that moment, I once again connected with her and remembered just how funny she was.

Standing in my kitchen at another time in the last few days, I zoomed back in a mind-memory-movie to the Inside Out comedy session, where I had stood next to Fran, kind of staring at her wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.  And I remembered how I’d thought: ‘I used to do that… I used to laugh til I cried… why can’t I do that…? what’s happened to me… why don’t I do that anymore?”.  If I’m honest, I felt a bit envious, not in any nasty way, but just aware of a longing inside of me to feel again that experience of laughing til the tears fall, which seemed to be such a long distant memory.

And then, walking round my flat, I talked to Fran.

‘Hello Fran… if you can hear me… I know this might be a bit rude, as you’ve not been gone long and here I am, going to ask you for something… But if it’s at all possible and it’s not a lot of trouble, would you mind sprinkling some divine humour dust onto me, so that I get to laugh like you – and feel what they feels like again.”

And I mimed sprinkling some witty humour laughter dust down on me from ‘up there’ – and in my mind, I imagined that Fran was there, accompanied by the entities who are there to meet you when you first arrive in the ‘next place’, wherever that might be, who explain to you how things work and what your options are.  And, as it’s all multi-dimensional where Fran is – and I know I’m only one of loads of people she’s visiting and listening to, all those who are still talking to her and about her, I see her in my imagination, chucking down a handful of laughter dust onto me, laughing – and I laugh and cry again.

I hasten to say that I’ve spoken to Fran about some of the projects we were going to work on and about other matters… I haven’t only asked for things.  [I can hear myself defending myself from selfish accusations.  It’s a bit like when – or if – you speak to your god, if you have one – or if you send out prayers or wishes, it’s nice sometimes to talk to whoever it is who’s taking the requests and not just ask for something – you know, maybe ask how they’re doing…]

I’ve heard people say to me in the last few days how tragic it is that Fran died – and of course, we all, I’m sure, feel for her family and everyone who knew her and understand how desperate it might feel for them, but for some reason, I don’t know why, I have found myself resisting seeing her departure from this world to another dimension as tragic.

I’m sure this is more to do with my own thoughts, puzzlements, ponderings and struggles with the concept of death – my own or other people’s and what happens to us all when we leave here.

In my own family, when my father mentions his departed parents, he talks  about ‘The Old Man’ and ‘Mother’ with such affection and pleasant memories, I’m aware he has no difficulty with endings.  My Mum, on the other hand, inhabits the other end of the spectrum.  I grew up unable to mention anyone in her family or anyone of the pet variety who was no longer with us on the earthly plane, without her dissolving into tears of overwhelming grief.  My own challenge has been to try and maintain my Dad’s outlook and I have often prayed that I will not end up like my Mum, who when her own mother died, disappeared into decades of mourning, where neither she, nor anyone around her, were able to talk about the departed person, the place where they lived or any shared memories.

I remember telling Mum only a few years ago that I had discovered a lovely café and conservatory at Horniman’s Museum, which is in the area where I grew up and where Mum and Dad still live – and would she like to come with me for a coffee there.  Mum immediately burst into tears.  I had no idea what I had done to upset her – and then she said to me ‘that’s where I used to go walking with Peggy’.  Peggy  was our family dog, who had died a few years back, departing at a ripe old age, having had a lovely life and been thoroughly loved, which is more than can be said for some human earthly residents.  Although I understood – and understand – how Mum is, I still found – and find – it upsetting that there are so many taboo subjects and that somehow there is a loss of the person or the pet or whoever it is, as their memory cannot be kept alive in the present day by talking about them and remembering happy times.

If someone who’s departed from my life comes into my mind, I always say ‘hello’.  If someone walks past and they remind me of someone who has died, I smile and greet them in my mind, as I feel like they’ve come back to pay me a visit. I find myself chatting to people, as if they’re still with me.

I interviewed Jemima Dury recently, daughter of the singer and performer, Ian; he died a few years ago.  Having spent hours researching him, I found myself talking to him too, as I wanted to write a really good article for him and his family – and I kept checking in with him to see if what I’d written was okay.  In fact, I still talk to him now and again.  For example, the image of him introducing himself in the Official Video for ‘I Want To Be Straight’ sometimes comes into my mind… he’s so charming, mischievous, handsome, such a performer; he grins, flutters his eye lashes and looks at the camera out of the corner of his eye… I find it enchanting.  Him and the whole band look like they’re having such a good time.  It brings a smile to my face on every viewing and I say a few words to him. [See what you think… link below.]

I guess we all have to come to terms with life’s endings in our own unique, personal and individual way.  Fran, the Fran I briefly knew, I imagine she’d like to be talked about and remembered – and she’d want people to laugh about and re-live shared memories of her.

Or maybe I am projecting onto her what I imagine I might feel, if it was me.

This morning, I was wide awake at one o’ clock in the morning – and Fran had been in my mind and dreams, along with other, currently living, people – and I said ‘good morning’ and smiled.  Maybe I’m ‘potty’, as someone said to me recently, referring to themselves in this instance and using a word I haven’t heard in a long time, but for me, it’s a pleasant place to be.

Anyway, the funny thing is, I’ve been laughing a lot more in the past few days and me being me, I am giving full acknowledgement to Fran for this.  I’ll take this opportunity [as I write this, a tiny tingle has just down shivered my back] to offer my heartfelt sincere gratitude to her.  Thanks Fran… will be in touch. X

Ian Dury I Want To Be Straight : Official Video on YouTube link here.

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